Every divorcing parent will say
that they want to protect heir kids' from harm.
But actions speak louder than words. In between thoughts and actions is reality, and sometime reality is a... problem. The loss of a mate can be so devastating, it is sometimes difficult to put your protective instincts and values into action.
Anyone going through a divorce should have ample opportunity to grieve their loss and
panic about the future. They just need to take care of their emotional recovery away from the kids. A parent's emotional stability goes a long way toward stabilizing your child's emotions during this difficult period of transition.
Unfortunately, there are some parents who have trouble letting go of the past and moving forward. These are the parents who run the risk of allowing their pain to fossilize into rage and resentment. These are the individuals who have the potential to do a great deal of damage to their kids.
Research confirms that children suffer deeply and sometimes irreparably, when they are exposed to habitual conflict between their parents. They (the children) are harmed when one parent says things that cause a child to lose affection and respect for the other parent. They are tortured when they feel like they need to pick sides between parents. They are damaged when the roles are flipped and they must become caretakers for an under-responsible parent.
So let's try to be honest here. If you are going through a separation or divorce, do you let your pain and anger get the best of you, sometimes
? Okay, so you are normal. But do you make a habit of the following, damaging behaviors?
Do you badmouth your ex to your kids?Do you badmouth your ex to others, in front of the children?Do you confide in your children, telling them things about your ex that are disturbing and inappropriate?Do you undermine the other parent's authority and rules?Do you play on the children's feeling of guilt and sympathy?Do you create interference when your kids to see the other parent?Do you ever encourage your child to place blame and guilt on the other parent?Do you ask your child to keep secrets?Do you ask your children to "spy" on the other parent?
Prolonged exposure to parental conflict can cause significant risks to your children's development in all of the following areas:
academic achievement;social conduct;psychological adjustment;self-concept;social adjustment
Learning how to manage the pain associated with your divorce will help you recover more quickly, and parent your children more wisely. Here are some steps to cope with your pain in a different way:
RECOGNIZE when your emotions are out of control. Take the time to ask yourself, "What am I holding on to here? What am I avoiding? Is anger really going to work in this situation?
REGULATE your emotions with the use of mindfulness techniques that engage your "observing" mind. There are literally hundreds of ways to watch your mind instead of reacting to your mind.
REVEAL to your children when you are upset but emphasize that "you don't want to be." Reveal that you know that the family tension is hard for them. Tell them what steps you are taking to make the conflict better. Make sure your kids know it is not their fault and they do NOT have to take care of you.
RESPOND to situations rather than simply reacting to them. Responding requires conscious thought. Reacting is unconscious. Stay alert. Give yourself ample time to calm down and resist the urge to do harm.
REPAIR situations when you make mistakes. You don't even have to stop hating your ex. Just stop acting out the hatred.
No one is asking you to be perfect. You just have to be "good enough" and you can keep your kids safe.
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