A Parent's Guide to Divorce

Divorce is a very stressful transition for families but rest assured that in most situations (about 80%), your children will adjust emotionally within one to two years after the initial separation.
The key to making this life transition manageable for you kids is to minimize the tension and conflict between you and your ex-spouse. Hostility and aggressiveness between parents can leave deep and lasting wounds on your kids.
With some planning, self awareness, and effort, you can make your children feel safe and loved. Here are some ideas on how to help your family survive and ultimately thrive through divorce...
You MUST have someone to talk to. Your emotional stability goes a long way toward stabilizing your child's emotions during this difficult period of transition. I may be biased because I am a mental health professional BUT I truly believe that counseling at this point in your life can help you a lot. Divorce therapy will give you the opportunity to discuss and process emotions regarding your divorce or separation and build skills to move forward. Counseling can also help you learn how to effectively co-parent.
Set up structure and routines immediately. Stability, Stability, Stability. That's the key for kids of any age when their parents are going through divorce. Parenting plans need to be crafted with an understanding of your children's need for predictability and routine.
Remember to communicate with your kids, a lot. As I said above, change is much easier to handle when you have a little time to mentally prepare for it. Keep the communication channel open so that your children know that you will be there for them. You don't have to force them to talk, just let them know that you are there.
Perfection is not an option. Try to be compassionate with yourself. Divorce is one of the most stressful events in a person's life. You will make mistakes as you and your children make your way through this divorce. Learn from them and move on.
Manage Your Anger. Divorce is fraught with tension and, sometimes, anger. There's no stopping that. But, you can - no, you must - refrain from showing that anger toward your partner in front of the kids. Studies have shown that it's not the divorce that hurts your children, it's the level of conflict they live with that leaves lasting scars
.
If you enter into a new relationship, make sure your children are brought into the picture very slowly. The kids have got enough to deal with right now. If they feel any pressure to like a new person in your life, their reaction is bound to be negative.
Divorce is an ending but it is also a beginning to a new life chapter. With a little planning, self awareness, and effort you can create the emotional safety your kids need to thrive.

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De Facto Property Law Loophole Fixed

Due to an oversight the law that gave Family or Federal Magistrates Court jurisdiction to rule on property settlements between de facto couple, there was some uncertainty around the status of certain family law court orders.
The Commonwealth's Family Court of Australia and Federal Magistrates' Court have jurisdiction to deal with property involving married couples. Pursuant to the Family Law Amendment (De Facto Financial Matters and Other Measures) Act 2008, New South Wales, Victoria, Queensland, South Australia, Tasmania, the Australian Capital Territory, the Northern Territory, Norfolk Island, Christmas Island or the Cocos (Keeling) Island starting March 1, 2009, relinquished to the Federal Government their power to deal with property and maintenance matter upon breakdown of relationship of heterosexual and same sex couples.
However, the Governor General failed to proclaim the new de facto relationship laws, which means the new laws failed to take effect. When the issue was discovered in February, Governor-General Quentin Bryce promptly issued the proclamation and enacted the Amendments to commence from Feb. 11, 2012.
Division 2 of Part 2 of the Amendments provides that provisions relating to de facto relationship matters do not extend to a de facto relationship that has broken down before the COMMENCEMENT OF THE NEW LAWS, unless both parties opt by writing into the new de facto laws. The new de facto laws officially commenced Feb. 11, not March 1, 2009.
The Family and Federal Magistrate Court have issued thousands of orders between March 1, 2009 and Feb. 10, 2012. This raised concerns that the validity of those orders could be challenged on the basis that they did not have jurisdiction.
In March, retrospective laws were introduced to parliament to fix the loophole. The bill aims to give people certainty by putting them in the same legal position, with the same rights and liabilities as if the proclamation were made in 2009.
The Family Law Amendment (Validation of Certain Orders and Other Measures) Bill 2012 received the Royal Assent on April 10, 2012. The Act retrospectively validates affected orders and therefore avoids the need for individuals to go back to court.
Relationship and marriage break downs can be emotional and stressful times especially when property and children are involved. The new federal laws aim to make the system easier to navigate for those that need to make use of it however it is still very complex and every situation is different. If you need advice in regards to property division or other family law matters, contact a family lawyer.

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A Letter From a Child to Her Parents During Divorce

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
Yesterday I just stood there as you fought over my baby sister. Mommy had both her arms and Daddy had both her legs. I thought my baby sister would break in half but she just cried cause she is only one years old. I felt so bad that I didn't stop you from fighting over her, it is all my fault. Maybe if I was better then you won't fight so much.
Daddy, you say mean things to me and Mommy. You say my mommy tells lies about you. But she is nice to me and takes care of me and my sister. She listens to me when I cry and tries to make me feel better. She tells me that you are mean and if you were nice then she would not have to be mean. Daddy, please be nice to Mommy so she can be nice to you.
Daddy, I have fun when we are together doing stuff. You take me places I like to go. But Mommy tells me I don't have to go with you if I don't want. She told me that we can do something special if I don't go with you. I like her treats too so I get confused about where to go.
I don't like to go without my baby sister because she needs me to take care of her. I am away from her at school and I wish I didn't have to go to school so I could stay at home and help Mommy out with her. Mommy gets tired easily and besides only I know how she feels and she needs me. One day she fell asleep and I tried to wake her up but she won't get up. My baby sister was crying so I talked to her until Mommy got up. It was dark then.
I love my school but you keep fighting over money and how much it costs. All my friends go there but I don't want you to fight. Can I go to a school you won't fight over? I don't care where I go. I'll be good wherever you send me. I promise.
I don't want to lie. I learned in school that you shouldn't tell a lie but Mommy you asked me to lie about Daddy. You told me to tell my teacher that Daddy hit me. He did not hit me. I told her that he did but then she asked me questions and you weren't there so I didn't know how to answer them. Can you come to school with me and tell my teacher what you want me to say to her? I don't want to lie to her. She is nice to me and she looks sad when other kids lie to her. I don't want to be like them.
Daddy you scared me when you get angry. I don't like your angry voice. Mommy told me that you hurt people when you get like that. You have not hurt me but I am afraid that if I am not good enough you will. I also don't want my baby sister to get hurt so please stop getting angry. I will do whatever you want if you just stop yelling. Please don't hurt me like Mommy said you would.
It made me sad that you were fighting over my baby sister. I know that you have not fought over me like that cause I am bad and she is good. It is ok. I know that I am bad cause if I were good, you would not have left Daddy. I tell my baby sister to stay good so that Mommy won't leave too cause that is what parents do when their kid is bad.
I have an idea. Since I am bad, break me in half so my baby sister doesn't have to be broken. I am afraid that you will break her one day and then I will be sad. I don't want to live without her. Then maybe you will not fight anymore. This is all I want, for you to stop fighting. Please stop.
Love,
Your Child

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Divorcing Well

When I began my journey to become a Therapist that worked with couples my hope was to be able to save, heal, and help every relationship to thrive. While I did recognize my own naiveté I still believed that I could be the savior to relationships that were on the brink of divorce or even helping bring back relationships in which both partners had lost hope. Although this has been the case for some couples, in other situations couples I have worked with have chosen divorce.
Divorce is one of the most stressful events that individuals experience. On stress assessments divorce rates in the top 3 life events right behind death of a spouse and death of a child. Although with these other stressful events often comes significant community support. With divorce that kind of support doesn't typically occur. A friend of mine commented that when she lost her husband people surrounded her with prayers, meals, visits to her home, phone calls, and invitations to events. While at the same time an acquaintance of hers was going through a divorce and did not receive any of this kind of support. It wasn't that she was shunned or excluded, but for her there was little or no extra support like my friend whose husband died had received.
For couples with children, divorce creates a new task; for parents to provide a structure that can become a "bridge between both parents" so that children can safely go between both parents and have access to both parents without being in the middle of their parents conflict and divorce. Author of "The Children of Divorce" Andrew Root says it like this;
"When trust in love is gone, and the foundation [of the marriage] crumbles, parents may label the structure [the marriage] uninhabitable and try to move on. We rarely consider that children are, through their parents' union, and in their separation unable to leave the structure created by their [parents'] union that they [parents] now deem uninhabitable."
Parents' role is to provide for, protect, nurture and challenge/discipline their children. In families that mother and father are together and living in the same home these parents perform these roles as one unit. Perhaps one parent provides more nurturance while the other challenges the child(ren) more. When the family system and structure, indeed the very foundation, is disrupted through divorce each parent takes on a greater responsibility in each of these tasks. In fact each parent is responsible for providing each of these tasks and at the same time coordinating with the other parent to make sure that these tasks or being consistent between both homes. This is no small task. To do this well may often require a higher level of coordination and collaboration than from couples that are married and living together.
This coordination and collaboration is "the bridge" that parents create. When this is done well outcomes for children in families that are divorced are very good. Children's self-esteem, anxiety, academic performance, social and emotional intelligence are on par with children from families that have not experienced divorce. Because of the stress that divorce creates and the level of emotional dis-regulation, helping couples that are divorcing find someone to help lead them so that they can lead their children is invaluable.

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Are You Really Over Your Divorce?

I was at the funeral of a dear friend last week. He and his wife were and are the kind of friend that you choose to be family. In fact, I'm not sure who chose whom first. All I know is that when I heard that Bob had died, I cleared my calendar so I could be with Gloria and the rest of the family just as if they were blood relations.
One of Bob and Gloria's children is divorced. She and her ex-husband appear to have a fairly good co-parenting relationship for their three children. Her ex-husband was present at the funeral and sitting next to their middle child. During the service, I saw her ex-husband hand their son a bunch of tissues with the suggestion to have them handy for his mother. I have to admit this surprised me. I hadn't expected to see this kind of behind-the-scenes consideration. And it got me to thinking about what they must have done right with their divorce for him to be able to be that supportive and what they might still need to work on that he would need to be considerate by proxy (i.e. through his son).
Of course, I can only speculate, but this is what I think they must be doing right as exes:
They focus their post-divorce relationship on their children.They know that their kids need both of them and support each other in having quality time with each child.They have dealt with the legal and financial repercussions of their divorce.They have both started living their own lives.They respect each other as people.
However, based on what I observed, I'm suspicious that they also might have a few things that could still use some work:
They have some unresolved emotional repercussions of their divorce.They have some lingering resentment and anger.They are still playing the blame game and have a little more work to do in the area of each accepting personal responsibility for their divorce.
They're really like most people with children who divorce. Most parents put their kids' needs first and then just expect that since their divorce is over legally that they are just fine. BOY, are they wrong!!
The reality is things are so much better for everyone when the emotional component of divorce is completely dealt with. Most people don't even realize that there's more to be dealt with after their divorce is final because they've become numb to the pain, confusion, anger, and resentment they've been experiencing over the course of getting divorced. The weight that can be lifted simply by recognizing and working through the emotional repercussions of divorce is immense for the former spouses and their children. Neglecting the emotional repercussions of divorce will make their lives sadder than they need to be.
Your Functional Divorce Assignment:
Have you been neglecting the emotional repercussions of your divorce? Most people assume that they have without any thought. Take a moment and really think about it. Are you happy? Do you feel confident? Are you still angry at your ex?
Are you wondering "How do I know if I have worked through the emotional repercussions of divorce?" Don't worry, you're not alone. When I first ask my clients whether or not they've worked through the emotional repercussions of their divorce, they usually ask me how can they know? I always tell them there's a simple self-assessment they can take called the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale (FDAS) that will help them understand what they might still need to work on to finish dealing with the emotional repercussion of divorce. The scale will tell you which of the emotional components of divorce you might still need to work on.
Now are you wondering "How can I get through it all faster?" For most people, just having the results of the FDAS isn't enough. They want to know what to do to get over their divorce faster and completely. If that sounds like you and you want to have personalized suggestions for what you can do to finish your emotional work you can visit my website.

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Domestic Abuse and Divorce - Do You Have Access to Your Part of the Family Money?

Women in abusive relationships going through divorce usually share the same issue when it comes to money: They don't have access to it. Their abusive partners control the finances.
It's all part of the territory of being in an abusive relationship. Now there are huge variations with respect to financial control in abusive relationships.
Money and Abusive Relationships
Some women can't use a credit card on an "unapproved" purchase... (unapproved by their controlling partner). Others have only so much cash on hand and when that's gone, that's it... there just isn't any more, until doled out again.
The financial purse stings are so tight that when you look at these women (if you didn't know the dynamics that they live), you would think you were looking at a three-year-old child with candy machine money. And that's exactly what they feel like... a child when it comes to money.
Then, there are other women in abusive relationships that earn their own money through employment or an entrepreneurial pursuit. They usually have greater independence and more access to financial resources. Finely, there are the "resourceful" survivors who have found a way to "save" from what has been doled out or from their independent earnings... or both.
Divorce and Abusive Relationships
Now when these women enter into divorce, the dynamics of their relationship don't change. They still have the exact same access-or lack of access-to marital money.
Funny thing is they often express surprise over this. It's as though, on some level, they thought that by being in a divorce proceeding, all this would change.
But the fact is the only thing that changes is that they are in a divorce proceeding... and each party has their respective legal counsel added to the mix - woven into the dynamics of their abusive relationship.
Your Rights in Your Abusive Divorce
Battered women under financial control think their problem is that their partners control the family money. However, their real problem is not their partner's control, but rather the fact that they have none.
It's not that their soon-to-be ex is controlling the money in their divorce; their real problem is that they themselves are not controlling their share of it. Even worse, many of these women don't even think they have a share, as they have come to see the money as "his money."
And then to add insult to injury, more often than not, these women remain in the dark regarding their financial rights. Stay with me... it gets worse. When the term "financial rights" comes in the conversation, they are puzzled that their own attorney hasn't informed them that such rights even exist.
If you are in an abusive relationship navigating divorce proceeding, learn your rights. Discover what you are entitled to access from "your" marital estate. You will surprise yourself to see that you are standing in the bank, rather than looking at it from afar.

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Don't Be A "Hating" Co-Parent

Every divorcing parent will say
that they want to protect heir kids' from harm.
But actions speak louder than words. In between thoughts and actions is reality, and sometime reality is a... problem. The loss of a mate can be so devastating, it is sometimes difficult to put your protective instincts and values into action.
Anyone going through a divorce should have ample opportunity to grieve their loss and
panic about the future. They just need to take care of their emotional recovery away from the kids. A parent's emotional stability goes a long way toward stabilizing your child's emotions during this difficult period of transition.
Unfortunately, there are some parents who have trouble letting go of the past and moving forward. These are the parents who run the risk of allowing their pain to fossilize into rage and resentment. These are the individuals who have the potential to do a great deal of damage to their kids.
Research confirms that children suffer deeply and sometimes irreparably, when they are exposed to habitual conflict between their parents. They (the children) are harmed when one parent says things that cause a child to lose affection and respect for the other parent. They are tortured when they feel like they need to pick sides between parents. They are damaged when the roles are flipped and they must become caretakers for an under-responsible parent.
So let's try to be honest here. If you are going through a separation or divorce, do you let your pain and anger get the best of you, sometimes
? Okay, so you are normal. But do you make a habit of the following, damaging behaviors?
Do you badmouth your ex to your kids?Do you badmouth your ex to others, in front of the children?Do you confide in your children, telling them things about your ex that are disturbing and inappropriate?Do you undermine the other parent's authority and rules?Do you play on the children's feeling of guilt and sympathy?Do you create interference when your kids to see the other parent?Do you ever encourage your child to place blame and guilt on the other parent?Do you ask your child to keep secrets?Do you ask your children to "spy" on the other parent?
Prolonged exposure to parental conflict can cause significant risks to your children's development in all of the following areas:
academic achievement;social conduct;psychological adjustment;self-concept;social adjustment
Learning how to manage the pain associated with your divorce will help you recover more quickly, and parent your children more wisely. Here are some steps to cope with your pain in a different way:
RECOGNIZE when your emotions are out of control. Take the time to ask yourself, "What am I holding on to here? What am I avoiding? Is anger really going to work in this situation?
REGULATE your emotions with the use of mindfulness techniques that engage your "observing" mind. There are literally hundreds of ways to watch your mind instead of reacting to your mind.
REVEAL to your children when you are upset but emphasize that "you don't want to be." Reveal that you know that the family tension is hard for them. Tell them what steps you are taking to make the conflict better. Make sure your kids know it is not their fault and they do NOT have to take care of you.
RESPOND to situations rather than simply reacting to them. Responding requires conscious thought. Reacting is unconscious. Stay alert. Give yourself ample time to calm down and resist the urge to do harm.
REPAIR situations when you make mistakes. You don't even have to stop hating your ex. Just stop acting out the hatred.
No one is asking you to be perfect. You just have to be "good enough" and you can keep your kids safe.

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